Making Sense of Me

I can see… through every fake smile and dishonest hug.
I have smelt… the fragrance of pure love.
I relish the taste… of a good laugh.
I treasure the touch… of my mother’s fond glance.
I don’t always speak… what I feel, but I’d like to.
I would give anything to hear… the sound of truth.

One Feeling or Many?

No feeling in the expanse of world

can beat this breezy lightness…

This sense that there’s a hand to hold

through alleys lit with darkness

The knowledge that my step might trip

And yet I will not fall

The certainty that if I do

I’ll have a name to call

The desire to stay who I am

And yet be someone better

The faith that whoever I be

Will be doubtless embraced forever

The dream of a cozy pair of arms

Wrapping my whole lifetime

The fear that daylight just might steal

This precious dream of mine

The trust that despite all the fears

I ought to nurture this dream

The joy that makes my heart so proud

And fills me up to the brim

The sensation of the eternity

Seeping into my being

The rhythm of a melody

My heart’s learning to sing

It’s all so rightfully perfect

And all so perfectly right

It’s magic that I see all day

It’s a perfectly magical night

Love v/s Love

Love1: I can’t live without you

Love2: I want to live with you forever

Love1: You’re my life

Love2: You make my life beautiful

Love1: It makes me happy to see YOU happy

Love2: If you’re happy, it gives ME happiness

Love1: There is no ME, there is only YOU

Love2: There is ME, there is YOU, but more importantly, there is US

Love1: I will take all your pains and give you all my joys

Love2: When pains confront you, I'll be with you to share them. When I'm blessed with joys, I want you to share them with me.

Love1: I love you for who you are

Love2: I love you for who I have become with you

Love1: I shall wait for you forever…

Love2: You will be in my heart forever…

Two Friends and a Foe

Throughout my conscious memory, I have been best friends with Pa. Sometimes, or in fact many times, I like to spend a few fascinating moments with Fut as well, but Pres has predominantly been like that random student in class who you know by their Name and probably their Roll Number, and just sometimes might want to peep into their tiffin box to know what they’ve got for lunch, but besides that, you pretty much like to be unaware of their existence. Pres was never my friend. I just couldn’t get myself to like Pres.

When I used to be with Pa (and most of the times I was), even the painful moments spent around Pres once upon a time would make me nostalgic with their sepia-toned charm. The days when Pres saw me being ragged up to my skin in the first year, or the time when I had walked down the empty lonely lanes of the sleeping town with the shadow of Pres, even those countless days when Pres had been cruel enough to cause my unrequited love to overflow from my heart through my eyes – all those days would become my haven when I was with Pa – a haven that I felt no desire to leave. Pa was truly my best friend. Crying came easy with Pa around… and Pa was generally around.

Not always though… for sometimes, Fut would hold my hand and take me away from Pa to a land where the night-sky was full of brilliantly bright stars – stars that Fut promised were meant for me, stars that were waiting to fall into my lap and make me radiant and blessed. Fut would show me birds of mesmerizing colours across the horizon, flying… free… In Fut’s land, there were mirrors everywhere, which reflected nothing except the most beautiful image of the world, and in some strange way, even though I knew it was impossible, I felt that image was mine. Fut was my Promise-friend, and Fut was perfect, just like that image in the mirror that was ME even though it couldn’t have been ME.

Which brings us to Pres. I hated Pres – not so much in the beginning, but over the years, I was filled with absolute hatred for Pres right up till my bones. Wherever I went, Pres would come after me. Whatever I did, Pres would be lurking around. Even when I was doing my own thing with Pa or Fut, Pres’ shadow was never too far away. I don’t know whether Pres was obsessed with me or the other way round but it was because of Pres that I sought for a perfect image in a mirror elsewhere, for it was Pres who made me feel absolute worthlessness in my own existence. I hated Pres! Oh! What wouldn’t I give to have Pres killed! I could have chosen to be the murderer myself, I even did once, only I developed cold feet when I realized that as a part of my punishment to kill Pres, I might have to lose Pa and Fut too, and they were all I had. And so, the stalker lived on…

And then…

One day, not too long ago, Pres came up to me… and said, “Please don’t hate me. I haven’t meant to haunt you all these years. I have only been looking out for you, to make sure that you do not get too lost in the streams of tears that Pa brings you or too trapped in the strings of dreams that Fut shows you, for once you’re lost with Pa, you’re lost forever… And once you’ve been trapped away from me by Fut, your dreams will remain only that – dreams. I would always let you see a hint of my shadow around you for I wanted you to remember me and hence, yourself. I always wanted you to see the real YOU, and not the imaginary one that you see in Fut’s fake mirrors, and I knew that only I could help you see that. Now, the time has come when you must do that and face your truth. I want you to see that image that is really YOU. So, will you please…”

And Pres paused for a seemingly endless moment as I stood breathless, waiting for the words that were going to change my world…

“… look into my eyes?”

As I looked hard, I saw an image slowly forming up out of the still waters of Pres’ clear dark eyes. Gradually, it became as vivid as my own flesh, and I couldn’t believe what I saw! I had been wrong all along. Fut’s mirrors had not been showing me the most beautiful image of the world, for if that had been perfection, then what was this? Or had perfection been perfected?

“This is YOU, my dearest. And YOU are perfect! All you need to do is accept it… Pa and Fut can bring you reveries and trances, even though they have to rely on ME to create those for you, but only I will show you the real YOU and it is only if you like ME that you will be able to like yourself, for among the three of us, I am the only one who wants you to be happy TODAY, for among the three of us, I am the only one who LOVES you – I always have, I always will, until death – for the day you die, I shall too.”

Before I acknowledged the tears flowing out of my eyes, before I acknowledged that the image in Pres’ eyes was really me, I heard myself say to him, “I love you. I’m so sorry for the way I have treated you. I was horribly wrong. You deserve so much better than what I gave you. Please forgive me Pres. I love you…”

Pa and Fut are still my friends, of course. They have their own indisputable places in my life and always will, for Pa helps me rediscover my love with Pres all the more and Fut helps me hone the perfection of my love with Pres. Love, after all, cannot be a static entity. Just like life, love has to be dynamic too!

And that’s why, each day, I discover newer things to love about Pres. Each day, the reflection I see in his eyes seems more perfect than the previous day. Each day, I love myself… a little more!

Thank you, Pres! I love you… I love myself…

A Priceless Drop from the Ocean of Time

There are several reasons why that one moment will remain etched in my being for as long as there IS my being…

- That one moment was the culmination of 7 months and 15 days of

Tears

Laughters

Uncertainties

Promises

Faithlessness

Trust

Impossibilities

Hopes

Sleeplessness

Dreams

Goosebumps

Fights

Plans

&

Waits

- That one moment, irrespective of the winter, my cheeks could give my hands as much warmth as they needed and more.

- That one moment came after a little symbolic search which led me to my precious gift – the very gift that guided me through the search.

- That one moment, I was the one searching, and I was the one who was found.

- That one moment, my heart melted to see that I was not the most nervous partaker of that one moment.

- That one moment, I wished that time would tick no more and that that one moment would stretch into infinity.

- That one moment was a once-in-a-lifetime… although few get lucky enough to have it even that once.

- That one moment gave meaning to everything behind me that until that one moment, had seemed totally pointless.

- That one moment, nothing went wrong.

- That one moment, nothing could have gone wrong.

- That one moment was the celebration of the impossible-made-possible.

There are several reasons why that one moment will remain etched in my being for as long as there IS my being… However, there is only one reason why I WANT it to…

Because in that one moment, I hugged You… and You hugged me back.

Abandonment

“Good morning! Together Travel Agency. How can I help you?... … … … …”

“ ”

“Hello?”

“… Hello… Er… I wanted to… … … …”

“Yes?... … … … Hello?”

“Yeah.. Er… I just wanted to get my tickets cancelled”

“Did you book your tickets through us, Ma’am?”

“Yes yes, but it was a long time ago. But yes, it was your agency only – Together. I remember that name”

“Right Ma’am. That’s one name people don’t forget often… Can you give me the details of your ticket?”

“Er yeah… Delhi to Bombay 6 AM… 14^th February… Er… Spice Jet”

“Right. Your name Ma’am?”

“Tanya”

“Wait a moment please… … … … … Yes Ms. Tanya, I have your itinerary in front of me. You booked these with us about 2 weeks ago”

“ ”

“Hello?”

“… Yeah”

“Yes Ma’am”

“I booked them only 2 weeks ago?”

“Yes Ma’am… … … … Er… You also have a return journey ticket booked for the same night. Do you want to retain that Ma’am?”

“… Er… … … … Yes…”

“Right Ma’am”

“Er… Sorry… what did you just say?”

“Ma’am you have a return ticket for the same evening by Spice Jet. Do you want to keep it or you want me to cancel that too?”

“No… Cancel it… Cancel the return also”

“Okay Ma’am. If you can have your tickets sent across to our office, I’ll get them cancelled by the afternoon”

“… Okay… Thanks”

“Can I help you with booking tickets for a future date Ma’am?”

“ ”

“Hello?”

“… Yes?”

“Ma’am, I asked if you’d like to make this journey sometime in the future, so that I could book the tickets for you”

“No no… I won’t be making this journey again. Thanks… … … … … … … … … Thanks a lot”

“My pleasure Ma’am… I hope you have a nice day!”

Irreparable

Tranquility. Follows the storm. You're not moaning. Or mourning. Anymore. Just tranquil. Numb perhaps. The worst has happened. And the devastation lies in front of you. Or within you. A battered heart, tattered self-worth and shattered faith. Destroyed beyond recognition. Oh, at least the storm is over.

Spoke too soon. Here it comes. Back again. But then, what’s left for it to take?