Consumed by Self or Loved by Self? :-)

I love the caress of my loose hair on my naked back

I love the blotch of kajal below my eyes after a nap

I love the layer of desire that the gloss adds to my lips

Just as I love the invasion on my tired thoughts of some sleep

When my ear-rings tickle my cheeks, I love it

When the wind blows my hair in my face, I love it

I love it when my eyes look brown in the sun

Just as I love the sprint that ends in a long hug

I love the reflection on my skin of the colour I wear

I love the swaying ways of my dress when we go up the stairs

I love the discovery of a shoe that fits my feet

Just as I love the Goodnighthugs and the Goodmorningkisses

When my voice touches the right notes of the song, I love it

When the scales are inclined to display a recline, I love it

I love it when my mirror and I share compliments

Just as I love the expressions of a word that’s written

I can never really love myself enough

Nor can I enough ever love the world

For when I smile and my world smiles back

I know it doesn’t matter that my hair is curled

Safar

(Something I wrote for my father on his retirement. The English (literal) translation follows after the original piece in Punjabi)

Nadiyaan, pahaad te registaan

langh taa gaye ne par aane vi ne,

Saal maheene din te pal

bhull vi gaye ne par yaad vi ne

Kayi rahvaan sang tu vageya eyn

Kayi chhavaan heth vi rukeya eyn,

Ohnaa raahvaan laage lagge rukkh

tur vi gaye ne par khade vi ne

Paaley vich tu dhupp baneya

Jad challi loo, tu aa varheya,

Tere har mausam de mitthde phal

digg vi gaye ne par lagge vi ne

Tu kuli vi eyn tu neta vi

Tu rabb vi eyn te banda vi,

Tera har kirdaar te saare roop

mamooli ne par ehem vi ne

Ikk cheez layi bas duniya to

te modi kayi guna kar ke,

Tere pyaar de bhare kayi dil

chhutt vi gaye ne par naal vi ne

Turdi si teri sadak hi hun takk

Hun tere turan di vaari ey,

Kayi rang, mausam te lain-den

mukk vi gaye ne, shuru hoye vi ne

The English Translation

Rivers, mountains and deserts

have passed by but are yet to come too,

Years months days and moments

have been forgotten but are remembered too

You have flown along several roads

Have taken shelter under many shades,

All the trees along those roads

Have walked by but are standing too

In the winter’s cold, you became sunshine

When the hot ‘loo’ blew, you came and rained,

Sweet fruits of your every weather

have fallen down but are growing too

You’re coolie too, you’re leader too

You’re God also and man too,

Your every character and all the roles

are ordinary but special too

You took just one thing from the world

And gave back several times of it,

Many hearts filled with your love

have left you but are with you too

It was only your road that walked till now

It’s now your turn to walk,

Many colours, weathers and gives-and-takes

Have got over, but are beginning too

One Feeling or Many?

No feeling in the expanse of world

can beat this breezy lightness…

This sense that there’s a hand to hold

through alleys lit with darkness

The knowledge that my step might trip

And yet I will not fall

The certainty that if I do

I’ll have a name to call

The desire to stay who I am

And yet be someone better

The faith that whoever I be

Will be doubtless embraced forever

The dream of a cozy pair of arms

Wrapping my whole lifetime

The fear that daylight just might steal

This precious dream of mine

The trust that despite all the fears

I ought to nurture this dream

The joy that makes my heart so proud

And fills me up to the brim

The sensation of the eternity

Seeping into my being

The rhythm of a melody

My heart’s learning to sing

It’s all so rightfully perfect

And all so perfectly right

It’s magic that I see all day

It’s a perfectly magical night

Two Friends and a Foe

Throughout my conscious memory, I have been best friends with Pa. Sometimes, or in fact many times, I like to spend a few fascinating moments with Fut as well, but Pres has predominantly been like that random student in class who you know by their Name and probably their Roll Number, and just sometimes might want to peep into their tiffin box to know what they’ve got for lunch, but besides that, you pretty much like to be unaware of their existence. Pres was never my friend. I just couldn’t get myself to like Pres.

When I used to be with Pa (and most of the times I was), even the painful moments spent around Pres once upon a time would make me nostalgic with their sepia-toned charm. The days when Pres saw me being ragged up to my skin in the first year, or the time when I had walked down the empty lonely lanes of the sleeping town with the shadow of Pres, even those countless days when Pres had been cruel enough to cause my unrequited love to overflow from my heart through my eyes – all those days would become my haven when I was with Pa – a haven that I felt no desire to leave. Pa was truly my best friend. Crying came easy with Pa around… and Pa was generally around.

Not always though… for sometimes, Fut would hold my hand and take me away from Pa to a land where the night-sky was full of brilliantly bright stars – stars that Fut promised were meant for me, stars that were waiting to fall into my lap and make me radiant and blessed. Fut would show me birds of mesmerizing colours across the horizon, flying… free… In Fut’s land, there were mirrors everywhere, which reflected nothing except the most beautiful image of the world, and in some strange way, even though I knew it was impossible, I felt that image was mine. Fut was my Promise-friend, and Fut was perfect, just like that image in the mirror that was ME even though it couldn’t have been ME.

Which brings us to Pres. I hated Pres – not so much in the beginning, but over the years, I was filled with absolute hatred for Pres right up till my bones. Wherever I went, Pres would come after me. Whatever I did, Pres would be lurking around. Even when I was doing my own thing with Pa or Fut, Pres’ shadow was never too far away. I don’t know whether Pres was obsessed with me or the other way round but it was because of Pres that I sought for a perfect image in a mirror elsewhere, for it was Pres who made me feel absolute worthlessness in my own existence. I hated Pres! Oh! What wouldn’t I give to have Pres killed! I could have chosen to be the murderer myself, I even did once, only I developed cold feet when I realized that as a part of my punishment to kill Pres, I might have to lose Pa and Fut too, and they were all I had. And so, the stalker lived on…

And then…

One day, not too long ago, Pres came up to me… and said, “Please don’t hate me. I haven’t meant to haunt you all these years. I have only been looking out for you, to make sure that you do not get too lost in the streams of tears that Pa brings you or too trapped in the strings of dreams that Fut shows you, for once you’re lost with Pa, you’re lost forever… And once you’ve been trapped away from me by Fut, your dreams will remain only that – dreams. I would always let you see a hint of my shadow around you for I wanted you to remember me and hence, yourself. I always wanted you to see the real YOU, and not the imaginary one that you see in Fut’s fake mirrors, and I knew that only I could help you see that. Now, the time has come when you must do that and face your truth. I want you to see that image that is really YOU. So, will you please…”

And Pres paused for a seemingly endless moment as I stood breathless, waiting for the words that were going to change my world…

“… look into my eyes?”

As I looked hard, I saw an image slowly forming up out of the still waters of Pres’ clear dark eyes. Gradually, it became as vivid as my own flesh, and I couldn’t believe what I saw! I had been wrong all along. Fut’s mirrors had not been showing me the most beautiful image of the world, for if that had been perfection, then what was this? Or had perfection been perfected?

“This is YOU, my dearest. And YOU are perfect! All you need to do is accept it… Pa and Fut can bring you reveries and trances, even though they have to rely on ME to create those for you, but only I will show you the real YOU and it is only if you like ME that you will be able to like yourself, for among the three of us, I am the only one who wants you to be happy TODAY, for among the three of us, I am the only one who LOVES you – I always have, I always will, until death – for the day you die, I shall too.”

Before I acknowledged the tears flowing out of my eyes, before I acknowledged that the image in Pres’ eyes was really me, I heard myself say to him, “I love you. I’m so sorry for the way I have treated you. I was horribly wrong. You deserve so much better than what I gave you. Please forgive me Pres. I love you…”

Pa and Fut are still my friends, of course. They have their own indisputable places in my life and always will, for Pa helps me rediscover my love with Pres all the more and Fut helps me hone the perfection of my love with Pres. Love, after all, cannot be a static entity. Just like life, love has to be dynamic too!

And that’s why, each day, I discover newer things to love about Pres. Each day, the reflection I see in his eyes seems more perfect than the previous day. Each day, I love myself… a little more!

Thank you, Pres! I love you… I love myself…

A Priceless Drop from the Ocean of Time

There are several reasons why that one moment will remain etched in my being for as long as there IS my being…

- That one moment was the culmination of 7 months and 15 days of

Tears

Laughters

Uncertainties

Promises

Faithlessness

Trust

Impossibilities

Hopes

Sleeplessness

Dreams

Goosebumps

Fights

Plans

&

Waits

- That one moment, irrespective of the winter, my cheeks could give my hands as much warmth as they needed and more.

- That one moment came after a little symbolic search which led me to my precious gift – the very gift that guided me through the search.

- That one moment, I was the one searching, and I was the one who was found.

- That one moment, my heart melted to see that I was not the most nervous partaker of that one moment.

- That one moment, I wished that time would tick no more and that that one moment would stretch into infinity.

- That one moment was a once-in-a-lifetime… although few get lucky enough to have it even that once.

- That one moment gave meaning to everything behind me that until that one moment, had seemed totally pointless.

- That one moment, nothing went wrong.

- That one moment, nothing could have gone wrong.

- That one moment was the celebration of the impossible-made-possible.

There are several reasons why that one moment will remain etched in my being for as long as there IS my being… However, there is only one reason why I WANT it to…

Because in that one moment, I hugged You… and You hugged me back.

Revising a Story Lesson

I’ve discovered a magic therapy. Of late, many times (if not most of the times), I have seen and experienced it working wonderfully on myself. And I believe it has got to be effective if it can help someone with symptoms of hereditary Clinical Depression.

That reminds me. Over two years ago, when I was visiting a psychologist regularly for my certifications, she had told me quite clearly that I had a tendency to develop a mild Clinical Depression, especially since it has been being passed on, on my mother’s side, particularly amongst the women. She had advised me to keep psychiatric help accessible, especially through the most important forthcoming period of 3-4 years in my life. A lot was going to happen and even though it was all for the good, there was no guarantee of the period itself being good.

And surely, there were times when I would wish to skip life on particular days. I’d be desperate to find a way to just jump to the next day, or to somehow discover an Invisibility Cloak and simply carry on with life without having to undergo the pressure of being SEEN. How I wished that nobody would see me, nobody would look at me, that people could just see past me, like I was nothing but a molecule of air.

Today, however, I don’t see the point in thinking or talking about those days. Yes, they made me stronger, braver and all that, but today, I also wish I had tried the magic therapy in those days. But then, I didn’t know about it then. Well, actually, perhaps I did. Perhaps all of us do, because it is one of the earliest story lessons of our lives, but we forget about it. We grow up seeing most of the people around us complaining, cribbing and self-pitying; and somewhere along the way, we unknowingly learn it and make it our way of life too.

It’s simple. It’s the lesson we all learnt from the story of the poor man who didn’t have shoes, who went to the church to complain to God, and there, saw a man who was thanking God, even though he did not have legs.

About a month back, on NDTV, I happened to watch a special report on a 2 feet tall man, who was born without legs, without arms, without speech and hearing abilities. All you could see was a tiny torso and a little face. But what was most striking about that face was an absolute absence of complaint on it. The report showed the man going through all his daily activities by himself without any help whatsoever. And I found myself wondering whether it was right of me to make myself hopeless and helpless when there is such a vast landscape of hope and possibility in the world.

These days, when I am morose and basically carrying out an eternal crib-fest, I try to remember this man’s courage in the face of the cruel fate meted out to him by nature. And invariably, I find myself feeling guilty for not thinking above just my own self.

It is not always possible to think of another, when you’re busy thinking of the ‘unfairness’ of life you’re dealing with. It is only possible when there is that little spark existent somewhere deep inside you – the spark of a genuine desire to rid yourself off pain, the desire to be happy. I have a feeling that I just might be igniting that tiny spark inside me these days, that I might be succeeding in letting it prevail…

This spark which is gradually making me believe that despite all the flaws that I might be made up of, I’m likeable… because I like myself, I love myself, I want myself to be happy, and not on the parameters of the world, but on the scales of happiness that I have to define for my own self.

A Tale of Four Rakhis - 4

A Tale of Four Rakhis - 1

A Tale of Four Rakhis - 2

A Tale of Four Rakhis - 3

I haven’t met Amu, my Bua’s son, for almost a decade now. We did exchange emails and talked over the phone, once in a while, until last year.

And then, when I announced THE decision to everybody, he stopped corresponding. His wife would write to me sometimes and tell me that Amu has been keeping very busy, but that he supports my decision. She wrote twice, he never wrote… For months. Even after the biggest day, when almost everyone in the family called me or wrote to me, Amu didn’t.

And I knew what was going on. Vira and he had always been mirror images of each other. Actually, I think it’s a thing about Men in general. It’s hard for them to see the inside before the outside. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m saying they need time… and well, honestly, I’m in no hurry.

But Amu surprised me four months back. He stopped being Vira’s mirror image! He wrote to me – an email as beautiful as there can be – and not only did he apologize for being late in writing to me (he said he wanted to do justice to his thoughts and never had time enough to do that), but in fact, asked me to send him a Rakhi by all means… His closing line made my day – ‘Love you little sis’!

So, 10 days ago, when my favouritest aunt was saying to me, “That’s very expensive, Monu! It makes no sense to spend so much! Besides, in the US, they hardly know the dates of festivals and all. The day it reaches him, he will tie it… I think it is foolish to spend such a big amount on this!” because the courier guy was charging 1150 rupees for it, I decided not to argue with her. I lied to her that I would send the envelope by normal post the next day. I decided not to tell her that even if it had been 11500 rupees or more, I wouldn’t have thought twice. I had got late in sending it for various reasons, but they didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered, except for the fact that I had to ensure Amu got the Rakhi before Aug 16!

The only option was to wait for 2 more days and send the courier when I had my own money, although that meant that the delivery would happen either just on the 16^th, or a day later. I was feeling inexplicably horrible!

The next morning, when I was leaving for work, my favouritest aunt placed 1500 rupees in my palm. “If you’re convinced with what I said, then you won’t use it, but if you’re not, which I know you’re not, then you’ll definitely send the courier later. So, it’s better that you send it today, and at least achieve the purpose… I would still say it’s a humungous waste of money, but the choice is yours”.

I smiled at her. She knew what I was going to do. I hugged her. She hugged me back.

Aug 16. I kept checking my Inbox through the day, hoping to see an email from Amu, hoping to read that he did get it in time after all. I was doubtful about him writing because it was a Saturday. He never checks or writes mails on weekends. The entire day went by. As I feared, there was no mail from him…

As I was going to bed, a little before midnight, I checked mail one last time… and there it was! His three-liner email, written from his blackberry, saying that he had received my Rakhi on the 15th.

~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever the relationship, it is the little things that matter. To me, if Amu had not got the Rakhi by the 16^th, it would have lost its worth. Yes, love and relationships are not about ONE day, but then, if there IS one day to celebrate it specifically, then either you don’t value the day at all, or you live by it thoroughly. It can’t be about convenience then; it HAS to be about the day.

So, all said and done, this Rakhi, for me, was about buying Rakhis! The next one would hopefully be about tying Rakhis too! :-)

G........D

I should have been irked, but I smirked.
I should have got mad, but I was glad.
You would have sure lost it, if not forced it.
I should have been riled, but I smiled.

I could have been miffed, but It was a gift.
I could have made a face, but I loved the phrase.
You would have no sense, of how much it meant.
I could have sure told you, but for this cold you!

Unannounced! But Welcome!

It HAS happened to me before. Long long time ago.

But I had completely forgotten about it. Forgotten how it felt. How in a moment, the most mundane turned into a revelation. How the most pointless and unreasonable seemed the most meaningful, the most significant. Forgotten the Beauty, the Joy, the Innocence, the Calm, the Childlike Exhilaration, the Freedom and the Divine… behind it.

I was again reminded today. After ages. And in that one moment, I realized that even without me knowing, I had missed it so.

Has it ever happened to You?
Have You ever paused in the middle of the most humdrum activity of the day, because you have just realized that you’re Smiling… for no particular reason?

:-)

EFT

Late last night, as I sat doing the usual… G-talking with "My First Visitor", I blurted something that has been playing my irritant ever since. Something to the effect of –

When we finally meet, you’ll be glad we remained “just friends”.

I was immediately snubbed by this somebody who could only have been a true friend.

What if I said you’re better off without seeing me or meeting me? How would you feel?

And that was the second when it hit me like a bullet. I realized that I would have probably run away from such a person. Who wants to know somebody that has no sense of self-worth? And even if I had stuck around, it would perhaps be more out of pity than willingness.

As the dismay of cutting out such a sorry figure gave way to some deep thinking through yesterday night and today, I’m finding myself face to face with perhaps the biggest reality of my existence.

I’ve always always tried to make up for my internal demons with external laurels.

I’ve always tried to find happiness in the world outside me… thinking that if this or that were to happen to me, then I’d be happy for good. Clearly, it hasn’t worked. Because despite the most extraordinary changes in my external world, my insides are still waiting for their dawn. Only now, the hope of a ray has got tied around a new pillar of expectation from the universe… yet again.

Somewhere along the hours of self-analysis, I vaguely remembered a term that has now found its way to the title of this post. EFT. I didn’t know what it meant. I just had a hazy memory that during my visits to a psychologist 2 years ago (in pursuit of happiness!), I had been advised to start using EFT on myself. “It can work wonders”, she had said, “and I just know that you would not find any way until you work upon yourself with EFT”. For various reasons, I had discontinued those visits, the major one being a belief that once I had achieved this bodily change I had been pining for, all would be sorted – without AND within. EFT or no EFT.

So, 2 years from then, today, I typed into Google Search – E F T, and discovered that it expands to – Emotional Freedom Technique – a therapy that involves two important things. Specific Acupuncture points on one’s body which are to be tapped with one’s finger tips. And an Affirmation statement, which has to be spoken aloud as one does this tapping.

Honestly, it looks quite silly to start with. And I now remembered that I had written it off as silly even 2 years back. But today, somehow, I am ready to have faith… What got me hooked was the fact that EFT is supposed to be self-healing; and it’s about healing self.

The Acupuncture points are technicalities (that is not to say that they’re not significant). The Affirmation, on the other hand, involves the creative writing of a statement through which one acknowledges one’s flaws in the first phrase, and then, goes on to announce self-love despite all those flaws, in the concluding phrase. The ‘flaw’ doesn’t need to fall under any defined brackets. It could range from a physical ailment to a psychological stress to even issues of weight. The idea is to basically work on a person’s self-image and ingrain self-love in them.

An example would be: Even though I think I’m fat and ugly, I choose to deeply and completely love and accept myself (or… I choose to feel beautiful and loved).

The technique is supposed to aid in discovering and tackling the deep dark issues that lie buried in the roots of these superficial problems. It forms a way to unravel these layers one by one, and eventually helps one love and accept oneself despite every ‘shortcoming’.

No. I’m not an ambassador of EFT. At least not just yet. But in the coming few days, weeks, or maybe, months, I’ll keep updating this space with my experiences through this seemingly remarkable therapy.

EFT: Day 1

Yes, I gave it a try today. The first statement I felt I needed was this:

Even though I feel EFT will not be able to help me without a therapist, I choose to help EFT work on me.

Actually, I feared that all my attempts might be in vain without a professional EFT therapist around. And interestingly, this first round did help me allay those concerns to some extent. [I was quite loud and passionate as I spoke that sentence]

As I tried to form the next Affirmation in my mind, the words started to prick my eyes. I couldn’t believe that I was hurting already…

To acknowledge pain and the source of it is a huge step towards inner peace. EFT experts claim that the therapy is all about accepting yourself as a whole, the pain, the bruises all included.

I don’t know what the tears meant, and I won’t let my mind run to conclusions, lest I should end up speaking too soon.

But yeah, the name sounds just right to me – Emotional Freedom! I think that’s one wish we must all add to the list of wishes we send out on birthdays, anniversaries and all those happy day celebrations!

Sad Bird. Happy Bird!

I’ve realized that I write mostly when I’m in one of those down-and-out kind of states. Too bad! I must be fair to all my moods… Agreed, the sullen ones happen to be a bit too regular with me, but then, sometimes, I think I tend to be a bit partial towards them too. They think they’re going to be welcomed anytime they decide to drop in… And I’ve given them every reason to feel that way.

But you know what? I’m going to change that now! I’m happy today… and I’m going to make a big deal out of it! Because hey! “Happy” deserves better… She’s a rare occurrence around the world anyway, like one of the migratory birds, and if we do not give her special treatment… forget special treatment! If we do not give her at least equal treatment as “Sad”, the everyday sparrow, then she might decide to fly away altogether… and leave the barren lands of our souls to be inhabited by her nemesis for all times to come! And that’ll be Sad (;_;)

So, while I feed my Happy Bird and make her a better friend, the Sad Bird can try and go hungry for a while… a long while actually, if the friendship develops into love. Now, I do love my Sad Bird too, because she makes me kind-of more realistic about my life, but I’ve realized that she has a way of finding food even when I try to starve her. And more often than not, the Ugh!-thing returns stronger than ever!!! Let’s see what she does this time… and meanwhile, I’m going to tap my feet to the song of Happy (^_^)