Showing posts with label Sometimes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sometimes. Show all posts

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Girl and the Diamond

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was very sad. All her friends wore pretty dresses and looked like princesses, but whatever she might wear, she always looked ugly. Everybody would stare at her and talk in whispers when she walked by them. She wouldn’t turn to look but she knew it in her heart that they were laughing at her after she had passed by. She would ask her mother, “Mother, why am I not beautiful like you?” Her mother would reply in surprise, “But you are so beautiful, my dear.” “Why can’t I see it then?” she would ask. And the mother would smile knowingly and say, “… because you’re choosing not to.”


The little girl would only get confused, turn to the mirror and try to see where the beauty that her mother could see, lay. She smiled to see if she looked pretty when she smiled. She frowned to see if she looked pretty when she frowned. She cried to see if she looked pretty when she cried. And then, she cried and cried and cried for she didn’t look pretty whatever she might do. In the middle of all the crying, she didn’t realize when she had fallen asleep. She never came to know that all the tears which had fallen off her eyes were going to do something magical for her…


When she awoke and opened her sad eyes, her vision was blinded by something that lay next to her pillow – something that dazzled like a full moon. Slowly she sat up and took a close look at this magical object. When she touched it, it felt as though she had touched cool water. She felt a balm-like sensation run through the very bones of her body. It was a Diamond. A breathtakingly beautiful heart-shaped Diamond of the size of a heart. It felt so precious, more precious than anything she had ever owned in her lifetime.


As she stood in front of the mirror with the Diamond around her neck, she felt what she had never felt before. The Diamond shone like a star and when its light fell on her cheeks, it made them look like porcelain. They reflected the light to her eyes turning them into little Diamonds themselves, making her whole face come alive like a painting. She smiled and saw that she looked prettier than she had ever felt. She frowned and suddenly, the light went off her face, and she was again ugly as ever. Shocked, she broke into tears and the light was back. Her Diamond shone the brightest when she cried and she paused in the middle just to see how beautiful she looked as streams of tears rolled down her cheeks.


That day onwards, her life changed. The huge Diamond hanging from her neck made her feel like she was the most beautiful girl in the world. It touched her heart every now and then, tickling it, making her laugh and feel so desirable. When people looked at her, they were awestruck, for they had never seen such radiance, such absolute perfection on a countenance. When they whispered, she knew they were discussing her charm. When they pointed her out to others, it was only because words had deserted them. She was having the best time of her life. The Diamond made her complete and she was so grateful to it for that, “Thank you Diamond! I love you too!”


One morning, when she woke up, the back of her neck and her shoulders throbbed with pain – such that she had never known before. For long, she had been ignoring the subtle signs of imminent problems. When a sudden pain would shoot through her neck, she would make herself believe that she had slept in the wrong posture. When her shoulders would become stiff, she would think, “Oh, it’s been so long since I got them massaged.” But today, the pain, the stiffness wouldn’t go. She was in extreme agony.


And yet, she wouldn’t take the Diamond off herself, for it was all she had. “It has given me so much. It has turned the world around for me. I can’t let it go. I can’t leave my Diamond.” So, on she went with the Diamond still around her neck, but slowly, the sensation of exhilaration that it had brought had been overtaken by the overbearing pain in her neck.


“It has given me a lot. I can’t let it go” she would kiss it every night before she went to sleep, hoping that the agony would be a little lesser the next day. But it only increased with each passing day.


“At least it makes me look pretty” she would smile and think, but somewhere deep within her, the pain was churning out rivers of tears – tears which she wouldn’t acknowledge, tears which she never showed the way out to.


One day, she realized that it had been months since she had looked at herself in the mirror. As the thought gripped her, she ran to the mirror, her neck feeling like it would fall off any minute. When she paused to look into the mirror, the light from the Diamond blinded her. But gradually, as her face emerged from behind the dazzle, she saw a pale frail face with eyes that looked like stones. The Diamond still shone just as brilliantly, but her skin had stopped reflecting its light. Her shoulders were drooping and her neck was a disturbing red in colour. In that moment, the tears inside her found their way out and flowed like they would never stop flowing… “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” she kept saying, not knowing whether she was saying it to the Diamond or herself.


Exhausted, she sat on her bed and slowly, almost like a ritual, took the Diamond off her neck. Even as the pain lifted from her neck, a huge weight set in on her heart. She took the Diamond in her hands looking at it forever, she kissed it and as she did that, a tear drop fell on the Diamond. The spot where it fell turned into a tear and gradually, the whole Diamond became a blob of tears and flowed out of her hands. She howled to see what she had done to the Diamond, even though deep within her, she knew that it was her very own tears which had turned into the Diamond that night long ago.


“I’m sorry” she cried out aloud. Only, this time, she knew that she meant it for the Diamond.

For you... Dear Thread

(Something I wrote almost 10 months ago... A lot has changed... A lot hasn't)


I was trapped inside myself.
You became my one thread to the world.


I was cold and shivering.
You became my yarn.


I was parched and the well deep.
You became my rope.


I ached to hear the music of joy.
You became my strings.


I lay in the darkest of nights.
You became my wick.


I knew no directions, nor the path.
You became my halter.


I am foolish maybe… that I have picked the scissors.
But do know, my dear Thread, that as I cut you off
I cut away my World.

Perhaps I need to, perhaps I don’t.
But oh dear Thread, do know, that I must become
All that you became for me.
I must become my own yarn and rope
My own strings, wick, my own halter
And it is only then, dear Thread, that it would make
For a good Knot.


Today, however, will remain a sad day
Because I’ve cut away my World.
Because when I was trapped inside myself
You were my one thread to the world.
In many ways, you WERE the world.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

In need of a Pensieve...


Someday, when I am getting bored in somebody’s company,

I want to be able to not think –

“They must think I’m so boring”



Someday, when I am being stared at continually by somebody,

I want to be able to not think –

“They think I’m strange”



Someday, when I notice somebody in the street talking to somebody else,

I want to be able to not think –

“They’re talking about me”



Someday, when I get a compliment from somebody,

I want to be able to not think –

“They don’t know the truth”



Someday, when I am going to meet somebody for the first time,

I want to be able to not think –

“They will know!”



Someday...

I want to be able to not think.

So much.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Most Meaningful Post Ever

Ques. What do you do?


When the New Word Document open in front of you continues to be just as empty as your Virtual Memory…


When you know there’s tons of data in your Random Access Memory but your CPU refuses to process it for the benefit of the New Word Document…


When your Keyboard seems to be missing just the letters that the New Word Document would like to show off…


When your Mouse wants to play Tom and Jerry with you – and you, the Tom, keep losing, even though Jerry has no place to hide on the wide open New Word Document…


When your Monitor is tired of looking at your pointless blank face, and agitated at being a partner in the crime of scribbling nonsense on the stupid New Word Document…


When the Internet is mean enough to connect you to a friend who is just not friendly enough to give you some help for the biggest waste of a New Word Document…


When the New Word Document smiles wryly and says to you, “Are you done, Ms. Writer? Do you think I’m ready to join the trash on the World Wide Web? Or you’d rather make me a little trashier yet?”


Ans. I guess you should do what I did… Forgive the New Word Document, for it is not its fault that your Operating System has decided to throw a tantrum today!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Just...


I wake up early and confirm to myself the plans for the day, plans – that I have been making since yesterday – will go shopping today, will meet Massi today, will watch a new movie today! Finally, a day when I’m not going to work and not even stay at home!


A nice long soothing wonderful shower starts the day. I wash my hair at length and pamper them with the lovely mint-flavoured conditioner I have recently discovered at my aunt’s!


With luxurious applications of a world of body lotions – varying from Peach to Plum to even Tea-flavoured – I let myself smell like an orchard, and revel in the concoction of fragrances that I have become.


Mmm… It’s just 10 am… A little too early to step out. Besides, my hair is wet. I’ll let it dry and catch a little nap right under the fan, wake up in an hour and by then, it would be the perfect time to start with the PLANS!


I spread the wet minted-hair on the bed, cover myself with the blanket and shut my eyes, loving the bundle of fragrances the blanket has become, thanks to me!


I half wake up, take my hand out of the blanket, touch my hair and realize that it is still moist. It can’t have been long since I slept. The hand comes back into the blanket and I go back into my fragrant sleep.


I half wake up, and begin to take my hand out of the blanket to touch my hair again, but vaguely realize that it seems to be going towards my tummy instead. “Grumble”, says the stomach, and I wake up with a start. The aromas seem distant and dying.


I push the blanket away to look at the clock. 3.30, it says! I’ve been sleeping for 5 hours! My hair is all dry and crumpled. Thankfully, it does still smell of mint. I don’t smell of fruits and orchards though. I just smell of sleep. My face is inflated and distorted. My plans are deflated and distorted.


I’m hungry – extremely hungry!! I haven’t eaten a thing since dinner last night, and there’s nothing cooked at home right now. I pick up one of the only two options available, and finish the half-eaten packet of Haldiram’s Kaju mixture. Clean!


“Grumble”, my stomach still says. Hence, I pick up the second option – the pack of Hide-and-Seek biscuits – and finish it clean too, while watching crap after crap on TV.


5 pm – Should I go out now? Should I not? I can’t meet Massi or go for a film alone now – it would get too late to come back alone. I can still go shopping though. And I can get myself some nice inexpensive dinner packed while coming back. Should I? Should I not?...... Doorbell!


Of all the options of days available in the week, the maid has chosen this particular day to perform her weekly duties towards this house. And so, for the next hour or so, as she cleans every nook and corner with utmost dedication, I carry on watching crap after crap on TV, including a film which has a younger-looking Akshaye Khanna with some hair still intact on his head repeating every 10 minutes of the film, “Agar mere dil mein eeshvar hai, agar mere dil mein sachchai hai, to woh mere paas zaroor aayegi”. I watch and hear him say that every time until the end when… surprise surprise! Ms. Aishwarya Rai does goes back running to him after all!


As I say Bye to the maid at the door, I can see that the world outside the door is getting dark already. I can’t go shopping.


Now? I can go take a walk in the Botanical Garden in the vicinity. While coming back, I can go to the market and pick up a packet of Maggi noodles.


I step out and head towards the garden. I can’t believe how totally dark it has become in the 5 minutes I took to struggle with my messy hair before coming out. I’m not accustomed to this area, and the absolute absence of human beings on the long stretch of the dimly lit road makes me unnerved. It doesn’t help that within 2 minutes, three different automobiles with three different sets of men in them pass by me and slow down right next to me to take a good look.


I turn back and head towards the house. On my way, I call up Domino’s and ask them for their cheapest pizza option available. I keep sitting on a slab outside the house waiting for the promised Pizza and counting the minutes, since it is Domino’s.


30 minutes have elapsed, and I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad that the Delivery boy is still not here. It means I am getting the pizza free. I do wish I had placed a big order and included Garlic Breadsticks and the Cheesy Dip and all the other yummy side-dishes. But I am not sure whether I should ask for the pizza free. I have been told that the delivery boys, when they’re late, start begging you to pay them, else the money would be deducted from their salary. If he does that, there’s no way I can’t not pay him. So, I call up the Domino’s number again to tell them directly that their delivery is late. I am told that there is no guarantee of 30 minutes in my area! It makes no difference to me… I say, “Oh, okay… May be you should have told me that at the time of taking the order.”


The delivery comes 40 minutes after this. I make the payment, take the Cheese & Tomato Regular Pizza, go inside the house, turn on the TV, realize that both the Oregano Seasoning packets are torn and empty and eat the bland cold Pizza while watching some more crap on TV.


The pizza over, I take my pills, change the channel, watch the entire length of one of the really cheap and funny multi-starrer Hindi films released of late and find myself laughing…


The cellphone hasn’t buzzed much all day. Not many people in the world needed me today, except yes, two friends - one of them calling to let me talk, and the other calling to talk. I talked in one call and listened in the other, although I don't think I remember much of either.


Now, the cellphone buzzes. An SMS. I reply, turn off the lights and turn myself into the blanket. A distant ghost of the ‘orchard’ engulfs me and I shut my mind before I shut my eyes. Thinking is not allowed… Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, Don’t think, Just Sleep… Don’t think… Just sleep, sleep… Just…

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Unacceptable Excuse

I can’t really balance the weights of my thoughts today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t wash away the redness of my eyes today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t be the can’t-do-without-you employee today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t stifle the numb banging inside my head today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t keep up the pretenses and the charms today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t be the understanding accommodating fool today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t make myself believe in care, today. I haven’t slept enough…

I can’t figure whether it is all worth it, that today, I haven’t slept enough…

Alas!

I can’t ask Life for a day’s break by saying - Today, I haven’t slept enough!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Long Time

Days, Weeks, Months, Years… It’s so easy to get entangled in units of time. So easy to forget the fluidity of Life.


When too much is happening, it’s so easy to forget companions of the times when nothing much was happening.


And when one comes across those companions again, it’s so easy to decide to break the ice, another time.


So much Life has passed in the middle… It’s so easy to avoid the decision of what to tell, how to tell, how much to tell.


It’s so easy to make it a pattern… To avoid. To ignore. To turn away. To forget.


What is difficult is to say to them, “I missed you. Yes, I could manage… and manage well, perhaps. But I missed you, and I realize it more today when I’m meeting you after so long”


What is difficult is to acknowledge that you’re actually saying this to a beautiful part of YOU, that you have left with this companion – a part without which you would always be incomplete.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


I missed you… and I realize it more today when I’m meeting you after so long.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A Tale of Four Rakhis - 1

“That’s very expensive, Monu! It makes no sense to spend so much! Besides, in the US, they hardly know the dates of festivals and all. The day it reaches him, he will tie it… I think it is foolish to spend such a big amount on this!”

I nodded. Half-heartedly. And being my favouritest aunt, besides of course, being a woman of extraordinary sensitivity, I guess she could see the half-heart reflected on my face. So, her frustration on my ‘silliness’ mingled with a sadness for not letting me do what I so wanted to, topped with 63 years of middle-class sensibilities left quite a helpless expression on her face.

I wouldn’t be adamant. I shouldn’t be. I’ll do this on my own, the day after, when I get my salary”. It was unfair to ask her to shell out 1150 rupees because I needed to courier a Rakhi to America, even if it was just a 2-day loan from her. It was unfair to expect her to understand what it meant to me…

~~~~~~~~~~

A year ago, I had couriered another Rakhi. On behalf of my best friend. To her brother. Rem was studying in the US, and she was atrociously late in posting the Rakhi to her brother in India. So, she had called me up two days before the festival and asked me to do her the favour.

That evening, I travelled from one shop to the next and the next and the countless nexts, spending a good few minutes at each shop, but I just couldn’t settle on a Rakhi. Most of them were rather bling-y – and I have always hated too much bling in everything in life. Most others were quite sad – the singly thread-y ones did not evoke a happy festival-ish feeling. Besides they did not seem to symbolize the ‘unbreakable’ bond…

I hadn’t realized exactly how many shopkeepers I must have left cursing me, until it dawned on me that it was dusk. Bulbs glowed bright, hanging right above the Rakhis spread out on the pavements, in the stalls, in the shops. And it was then that I also realized that my feet felt sore, my legs had a feverish pain in them, and my throat was dry. I had been out shopping for one Rakhi for more than three hours. I wasn’t exactly satisfied with the one I chose finally, but it sure was the best of the lot.

Another half an hour, and the couriers would send today’s dispatch away. I was new in the Mahim area and still had to figure the location of a good courier. As I ran from pillar to post asking for DTDC, Overnite and the likes, and as I finally found one and begged the guy to give me 5 minutes to put the address on the envelope with a pretty colour and in my best handwriting, I acknowledged to myself the real reason behind my taking so long in this whole activity…

I was not doing it for Rem. I was doing it for myself – for the two decades behind me when I couldn’t, when it was not RIGHT for me to do it…

And I thought it was only right for me to write what I eventually wrote on the envelope:

"On behalf of Rem... From Monsoon"

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Unannounced! But Welcome!

It HAS happened to me before. Long long time ago.

But I had completely forgotten about it. Forgotten how it felt. How in a moment, the most mundane turned into a revelation. How the most pointless and unreasonable seemed the most meaningful, the most significant. Forgotten the Beauty, the Joy, the Innocence, the Calm, the Childlike Exhilaration, the Freedom and the Divine… behind it.

I was again reminded today. After ages. And in that one moment, I realized that even without me knowing, I had missed it so.

Has it ever happened to You?
Have You ever paused in the middle of the most humdrum activity of the day, because you have just realized that you’re Smiling… for no particular reason?

:-)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Unpredictable Weather


“Ooooh my God! That’s so cool Monsoon! I mean… that is PSYCHO! But it’s so cool! I just can’t get over it! Not that I’m in lack of compassion for you right now, but just how did you do it man? It’s like one of those challenging scenes for the actresses. Laughing laughing laughing… and then, suddenly break into crying! WOW! Tell me how DID you do it… I’m fascinated!”

And I was back to laughing :-)


Thursday, June 12, 2008

It's Amusing...

~ when the guy you shared the hostel room with (for 2 years) – the guy who also happens to be your best friend – finds it necessary to tell you, “You can’t go out wearing THAT! The neck is too damn low!”

~ when the random guy in the bus who, one year ago, would have trod upon you to find his way in the crazy chaos, bows most courteously; and just when you’re wondering if he’s upto ‘something’, you realize that he’s only lifting your bag to place it on the bag carrier.

~ to see that exceptional look of disbelief on the visage of a man who is known to have seen the world, been-there-done-that; and just as you notice him stealing a furtive glance at you, to realize that he hadn’t after all, seen it all… that you’re a new Wonder to him!

~ to get to know that your friend’s girlfriend who had been so fond of you, now gets worked up whenever he talks to her about you.

~ when your mother asks you to not show up in the drawing room, in front of the guests who’re in India looking for a tall beautiful bride for their NRI son… “What if they see you and get interested? How will I explain?”

~ when an old flame, which is still dying hard, tells you that he has checked your latest orkut pictures a zillion times… because well… “you look pretty”! [Ha ha ha]

~ when a girl you’ve been introduced to, just an hour ago, drives you to the restroom desperately and asks you to check for her if ‘it is all fine’, and you’re trying hard to NOT make a mistake in checking.

~ when a forgotten acquaintance turns up from nowhere, straining hard as he looks at you, and when out of a desire to make him comfortable, you smile a recognition, he exclaims, “Are you not Summer? But then… Summer was not a girl!”

~ that the interiors of your house are just as they always were, that the locality hasn’t changed either, yet the new paint outside has brought out a new shade in every other house in the locality.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sad Bird. Happy Bird!


I’ve realized that I write mostly when I’m in one of those down-and-out kind of states. Too bad! I must be fair to all my moods… Agreed, the sullen ones happen to be a bit too regular with me, but then, sometimes, I think I tend to be a bit partial towards them too. They think they’re going to be welcomed anytime they decide to drop in… And I’ve given them every reason to feel that way.

But you know what? I’m going to change that now! I’m happy today… and I’m going to make a big deal out of it! Because hey! “Happy” deserves better… She’s a rare occurrence around the world anyway, like one of the migratory birds, and if we do not give her special treatment… forget special treatment! If we do not give her at least equal treatment as “Sad”, the everyday sparrow, then she might decide to fly away altogether… and leave the barren lands of our souls to be inhabited by her nemesis for all times to come! And that’ll be Sad (;_;)

So, while I feed my Happy Bird and make her a better friend, the Sad Bird can try and go hungry for a while… a long while actually, if the friendship develops into love. Now, I do love my Sad Bird too, because she makes me kind-of more realistic about my life, but I’ve realized that she has a way of finding food even when I try to starve her. And more often than not, the Ugh!-thing returns stronger than ever!!! Let’s see what she does this time… and meanwhile, I’m going to tap my feet to the song of Happy (^_^)

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Not Always


Sometimes, days begin like this – early, yet purposeless…
Sometimes, they end that way too.

Sometimes, when I sit to write, I end up thinking – What was I thinking?
Sometimes, when I finish writing, I still think – What was I thinking?

Sometimes, when I get gooseflesh, I wonder – Is it cold or is it scary?

Sometimes, when the mirror acts friendly, I can see a breezy monsoon in it.
Sometimes, when it still acts friendly, I can see the summer in her eyes, and then, it doesn’t act friendly anymore.

Sometimes, I imagine myself in other people’s shoes, and realize that they can never step into mine, because I can never step into theirs.

Sometimes, when I gulp my pills, I wonder whether I’m fooling myself or the world.

Sometimes, I find it hard to remember the last time when I was really tired.
Sometimes, I’m so tired of the monsoons that I wish the winter back.

Sometimes, when I look at my mum’s face, I can see that she’s living in the past.
Sometimes, on that face, I see so much fear that I know the thought of future just crawled by.

Sometimes, we know what’s best for us, and we just do it.
Sometimes, when we do it, we know that it wasn’t the best for us anyway.

Sometimes, I think I could have been anybody I chose to, and I made my choice.