Surrender

“Yes, I did. I murdered him. I took the knife and ran it right through his chest. I also gagged him so I wouldn’t hear him scream.

“He was two days away from turning a year old. Yes, I had nurtured him for a year and I loved him to bits, but I knew that when he grows up, he won’t be able to see or walk or talk like other children… How did I know? I was his mother. Mothers know. I knew.

“Yes, I know there are mothers who spend their lives looking after their handicapped babies and don’t even wince. I happen to be not one of those mothers. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to bear the load of seeing my child feeling lesser than the others every single day of his life. His soul didn’t need to stay trapped for a lifetime like that. She could move on to more colourful happier lives. And I hope she has.

“So, one night, when he was deep in sleep, I just picked up the knife, covered his mouth with my hand, and stabbed him. He woke up… from my touch or from the pain, I don’t know. But he woke up, and he looked at me. I don’t know what that look meant. Until then, he had never experienced any feeling except love. This was a new experience. I don’t think he knew what it meant. I still wonder whether he thought this was love too. I hope he knows that it was. I don’t think there was accusation in his eyes, but as I looked into them, it seemed like there was a knife in my throat.

“Finally, when he stopped making those screams that I didn’t hear and he stopped twisting his hands and feet in the air, his eyes looked stunned. He had stopped breathing. I took my hand away from his mouth, threw the knife on the floor and sat by his side looking at him.

“Yes, it had been a month when they found me sitting there. How was I alive? I had been eating him. He was a part of me. He had started inside me. It was only fair that he should end there. When they found me, only his eyes were left. Yes, I had eaten his heart too. I had been thinking of eating his eyes for many days now, but I couldn’t. They were his eyes.

“I’m a cannibal, you say? But what I ate was a non-living thing. If I could bring fatal pain to my own child, this was not worse. Haven’t you ever given pain to someone who loved you to bits? Haven’t you EVER done something wrong to make amends for another wrong? Haven’t you ever been selfish? You haven’t, you say? You must be God then.

“So yes, when they found me, I quickly hid his eyes in my dress. Yes, I still have them, but I won’t give them to you. I want to meet his father and cremate them with him. I want his father to slap me, beat me, kill me, and let me cry on his shoulder one last time before you execute your sentence on me. You say he doesn’t want to look at my face? You don’t have to tell me that. I know it. Yet, can you please let him know that this is for our baby? We owe it to him. His soul might still be trapped in these eyes. One night, when I sat behind the bars crying, I thought I saw tears in his eyes too. Yes, I know. Maybe, it was my tears which had fallen there, but maybe, they were his soul’s. I want to release her. And I can only do it together with his father. He was OUR baby.

“All those people outside, shouting ‘Bitch’, ‘Cruel’, ‘Cannibal’, ‘Heartless’ still affect me, although they shouldn’t. I have seen a lot in life to be affected by them. But I am, still. For I know that they have a reasonable reason.

“You know, when I gave birth to my baby, I had been on top of the world. I had never known the feeling of such joy. But then, I hadn’t known that he was going to have to live a lesser life. When I realized it, I didn’t want him to suffer any more. I didn’t want myself to suffer because of him, either. I really thought the agony would end with him gone. I didn’t know better.

“Yes, I ran the knife right through his chest, and I gagged him, so that I wouldn’t have to hear him scream. Did I tell you that as I did that, I also ran a knife through my own throat?”

The Girl and the Diamond

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was very sad. All her friends wore pretty dresses and looked like princesses, but whatever she might wear, she always looked ugly. Everybody would stare at her and talk in whispers when she walked by them. She wouldn’t turn to look but she knew it in her heart that they were laughing at her after she had passed by. She would ask her mother, “Mother, why am I not beautiful like you?” Her mother would reply in surprise, “But you are so beautiful, my dear.” “Why can’t I see it then?” she would ask. And the mother would smile knowingly and say, “… because you’re choosing not to.”

The little girl would only get confused, turn to the mirror and try to see where the beauty that her mother could see, lay. She smiled to see if she looked pretty when she smiled. She frowned to see if she looked pretty when she frowned. She cried to see if she looked pretty when she cried. And then, she cried and cried and cried for she didn’t look pretty whatever she might do. In the middle of all the crying, she didn’t realize when she had fallen asleep. She never came to know that all the tears which had fallen off her eyes were going to do something magical for her…

When she awoke and opened her sad eyes, her vision was blinded by something that lay next to her pillow – something that dazzled like a full moon. Slowly she sat up and took a close look at this magical object. When she touched it, it felt as though she had touched cool water. She felt a balm-like sensation run through the very bones of her body. It was a Diamond. A breathtakingly beautiful heart-shaped Diamond of the size of a heart. It felt so precious, more precious than anything she had ever owned in her lifetime.

As she stood in front of the mirror with the Diamond around her neck, she felt what she had never felt before. The Diamond shone like a star and when its light fell on her cheeks, it made them look like porcelain. They reflected the light to her eyes turning them into little Diamonds themselves, making her whole face come alive like a painting. She smiled and saw that she looked prettier than she had ever felt. She frowned and suddenly, the light went off her face, and she was again ugly as ever. Shocked, she broke into tears and the light was back. Her Diamond shone the brightest when she cried and she paused in the middle just to see how beautiful she looked as streams of tears rolled down her cheeks.

That day onwards, her life changed. The huge Diamond hanging from her neck made her feel like she was the most beautiful girl in the world. It touched her heart every now and then, tickling it, making her laugh and feel so desirable. When people looked at her, they were awestruck, for they had never seen such radiance, such absolute perfection on a countenance. When they whispered, she knew they were discussing her charm. When they pointed her out to others, it was only because words had deserted them. She was having the best time of her life. The Diamond made her complete and she was so grateful to it for that, “Thank you Diamond! I love you too!”

One morning, when she woke up, the back of her neck and her shoulders throbbed with pain – such that she had never known before. For long, she had been ignoring the subtle signs of imminent problems. When a sudden pain would shoot through her neck, she would make herself believe that she had slept in the wrong posture. When her shoulders would become stiff, she would think, “Oh, it’s been so long since I got them massaged.” But today, the pain, the stiffness wouldn’t go. She was in extreme agony.

And yet, she wouldn’t take the Diamond off herself, for it was all she had. “It has given me so much. It has turned the world around for me. I can’t let it go. I can’t leave my Diamond.” So, on she went with the Diamond still around her neck, but slowly, the sensation of exhilaration that it had brought had been overtaken by the overbearing pain in her neck.

“It has given me a lot. I can’t let it go” she would kiss it every night before she went to sleep, hoping that the agony would be a little lesser the next day. But it only increased with each passing day.

“At least it makes me look pretty” she would smile and think, but somewhere deep within her, the pain was churning out rivers of tears – tears which she wouldn’t acknowledge, tears which she never showed the way out to.

One day, she realized that it had been months since she had looked at herself in the mirror. As the thought gripped her, she ran to the mirror, her neck feeling like it would fall off any minute. When she paused to look into the mirror, the light from the Diamond blinded her. But gradually, as her face emerged from behind the dazzle, she saw a pale frail face with eyes that looked like stones. The Diamond still shone just as brilliantly, but her skin had stopped reflecting its light. Her shoulders were drooping and her neck was a disturbing red in colour. In that moment, the tears inside her found their way out and flowed like they would never stop flowing… “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” she kept saying, not knowing whether she was saying it to the Diamond or herself.

Exhausted, she sat on her bed and slowly, almost like a ritual, took the Diamond off her neck. Even as the pain lifted from her neck, a huge weight set in on her heart. She took the Diamond in her hands looking at it forever, she kissed it and as she did that, a tear drop fell on the Diamond. The spot where it fell turned into a tear and gradually, the whole Diamond became a blob of tears and flowed out of her hands. She howled to see what she had done to the Diamond, even though deep within her, she knew that it was her very own tears which had turned into the Diamond that night long ago.

“I’m sorry” she cried out aloud. Only, this time, she knew that she meant it for the Diamond.

For you... Dear Thread

(Something I wrote almost 10 months ago... A lot has changed... A lot hasn't)

I was trapped inside myself.
You became my one thread to the world.

I was cold and shivering.
You became my yarn.

I was parched and the well deep.
You became my rope.

I ached to hear the music of joy.
You became my strings.

I lay in the darkest of nights.
You became my wick.

I knew no directions, nor the path.
You became my halter.

I am foolish maybe… that I have picked the scissors.
But do know, my dear Thread, that as I cut you off
I cut away my World.

Perhaps I need to, perhaps I don’t.
But oh dear Thread, do know, that I must become
All that you became for me.
I must become my own yarn and rope
My own strings, wick, my own halter
And it is only then, dear Thread, that it would make
For a good Knot.

Today, however, will remain a sad day
Because I’ve cut away my World.
Because when I was trapped inside myself
You were my one thread to the world.
In many ways, you WERE the world.

Consumed by Self or Loved by Self? :-)

I love the caress of my loose hair on my naked back

I love the blotch of kajal below my eyes after a nap

I love the layer of desire that the gloss adds to my lips

Just as I love the invasion on my tired thoughts of some sleep

When my ear-rings tickle my cheeks, I love it

When the wind blows my hair in my face, I love it

I love it when my eyes look brown in the sun

Just as I love the sprint that ends in a long hug

I love the reflection on my skin of the colour I wear

I love the swaying ways of my dress when we go up the stairs

I love the discovery of a shoe that fits my feet

Just as I love the Goodnighthugs and the Goodmorningkisses

When my voice touches the right notes of the song, I love it

When the scales are inclined to display a recline, I love it

I love it when my mirror and I share compliments

Just as I love the expressions of a word that’s written

I can never really love myself enough

Nor can I enough ever love the world

For when I smile and my world smiles back

I know it doesn’t matter that my hair is curled

Safar

(Something I wrote for my father on his retirement. The English (literal) translation follows after the original piece in Punjabi)

Nadiyaan, pahaad te registaan

langh taa gaye ne par aane vi ne,

Saal maheene din te pal

bhull vi gaye ne par yaad vi ne

Kayi rahvaan sang tu vageya eyn

Kayi chhavaan heth vi rukeya eyn,

Ohnaa raahvaan laage lagge rukkh

tur vi gaye ne par khade vi ne

Paaley vich tu dhupp baneya

Jad challi loo, tu aa varheya,

Tere har mausam de mitthde phal

digg vi gaye ne par lagge vi ne

Tu kuli vi eyn tu neta vi

Tu rabb vi eyn te banda vi,

Tera har kirdaar te saare roop

mamooli ne par ehem vi ne

Ikk cheez layi bas duniya to

te modi kayi guna kar ke,

Tere pyaar de bhare kayi dil

chhutt vi gaye ne par naal vi ne

Turdi si teri sadak hi hun takk

Hun tere turan di vaari ey,

Kayi rang, mausam te lain-den

mukk vi gaye ne, shuru hoye vi ne

The English Translation

Rivers, mountains and deserts

have passed by but are yet to come too,

Years months days and moments

have been forgotten but are remembered too

You have flown along several roads

Have taken shelter under many shades,

All the trees along those roads

Have walked by but are standing too

In the winter’s cold, you became sunshine

When the hot ‘loo’ blew, you came and rained,

Sweet fruits of your every weather

have fallen down but are growing too

You’re coolie too, you’re leader too

You’re God also and man too,

Your every character and all the roles

are ordinary but special too

You took just one thing from the world

And gave back several times of it,

Many hearts filled with your love

have left you but are with you too

It was only your road that walked till now

It’s now your turn to walk,

Many colours, weathers and gives-and-takes

Have got over, but are beginning too

Making Sense of Me

I can see… through every fake smile and dishonest hug.
I have smelt… the fragrance of pure love.
I relish the taste… of a good laugh.
I treasure the touch… of my mother’s fond glance.
I don’t always speak… what I feel, but I’d like to.
I would give anything to hear… the sound of truth.

One Feeling or Many?

No feeling in the expanse of world

can beat this breezy lightness…

This sense that there’s a hand to hold

through alleys lit with darkness

The knowledge that my step might trip

And yet I will not fall

The certainty that if I do

I’ll have a name to call

The desire to stay who I am

And yet be someone better

The faith that whoever I be

Will be doubtless embraced forever

The dream of a cozy pair of arms

Wrapping my whole lifetime

The fear that daylight just might steal

This precious dream of mine

The trust that despite all the fears

I ought to nurture this dream

The joy that makes my heart so proud

And fills me up to the brim

The sensation of the eternity

Seeping into my being

The rhythm of a melody

My heart’s learning to sing

It’s all so rightfully perfect

And all so perfectly right

It’s magic that I see all day

It’s a perfectly magical night